Fear & The First Chemo

Chemotherapy began on Monday the 29th May 2017. We were to be at the hospital by 8am but that wasn't a problem. We were awake the entire night just thinking about it! It's often said that the fear of the unknown is one of the worst fears, and I can certainly attest to this. I had all these stereotypical images of bald, ashen-faced cancer patients slouched over and hugging toilet bowls as they retched and vomited flashing before my eyes. I suppose I should add in at this point that I absolutely HATE vomit - I have a fear of it! Mine or anyone else's! Makes for some interesting (and sometimes entertaining!) stories from work at least! But the thoughts of being sick were playing heavily on my mind.

As was the baldness. It's not that I'm vain about my hair, quite the opposite in fact! But I knew that once the hair went, and eyebrows and eye lashes disappeared, combined with the grey face, then I would no longer be able to go around looking "normal"... Everyone would know I was sick. Everytime I would look in the mirror, I'd see it. Every photo. Every person I would meet. I couldn't bear the thoughts of people looking at me with pity on their faces. I'm a doctor, I'm "not meant" to be sick. I'm supposed to be the strong one. How would my parents and all my loved ones feel when they would see me "sick looking"? My mind was on overdrive all that night.

I know Fergus's mind was too. He is one of the kindest souls I know. If I am in pain, then he too feels it. So many times he said to me that he wished it was him going through it and not me. But I would never be able to cope with that! If he even gets a head cold I worry about him!

That morning, we got up, showered, put on comfortable clothes. We downloaded a few episodes of Frankie & Grace from Netflix to watch on the tablet and Fergus had bought a headphone splitter so we could both listen together. We had intentionally opted for a light hearted comedy to watch! We also made our minds up in the car on the way to the hospital that we were going to walk in there smiling. We started this journey smiling, we were going to finish it smiling. 

I will never forget walking in that side door of out-patients and climbing up the one flight of stairs...a set of stairs that towards the end of my treatment were to feel more like Everest! We queued up along the corridor with lots of other patients. A lovely man from Connemara smiled and asked "first day yeah?". I smiled nervously. He told us that everyone there would be kind and to try not worry. He was right - the staff were exceptional! I was assigned Chrissie as my oncology nurse. An efficient young nurse with a great sense of humour, a big smile and kind eyes. She was also incredible with a needle - something I was to become increasingly glad of as time went on and my veins all collapsed! She took my bloods and told us to go out for a coffee for a while to wait for the results. 

Round 1 - still smiling!

We went across the road to Mr Waffle and, despite not having an appetite, I finished a full plate of waffles, strawberries and fresh cream - along with the traditional cup of tea. I think I may have even finished some from Fergus's plate! When it was time, we walked back over. I was shown to a recliner chair in the 7 patient room. I was glad of the company. Chrissie said the bloods were fine and we were ready to start. There would be 2 different chemotherapies given intravenously; one, then a half hour break, then the second. It would be 6pm or after by the time we would be done. She went through the list of potential side effects paying particular attention to that of anaphylaxis. Apparently this is a regular occurence with one of the drugs they were giving me. They were so concerned, they had the adrenaline, IV steroids and antihistamines all ready to go.

What shocked me the most that day was the way the nurses dressed when they were preparing to administer the drug. They wore full length, full sleeve gowns and 2 pairs of gloves covering up the cuffs. The drugs are cytotoxic so the nursing staff cannot afford to get splashes of them on their skin. 

The rest of the day was fairly uneventful thank God. Fergus was reluctant to leave my side but Fr Rob did manage to get him to go out for lunch with him for an hour. I met a lovely lady serving our lunches - Cathy. We were to become good friends and she always looked after me at lunch time!

By the time evening came, we were both exhausted. It was nearly 7pm when we got into the car to go home. I was delirious with tiredness and the drugs! I was so bad that as I spoke to mum on the phone to tell her how it all went, I also started telling Fergus to turn around and go back to the hospital as I'd forgot my phone!!! Obviously, this was not the case! Mum was cracking up laughing on the other end of the phone!

We got home, had a small bite to eat, and went to bed. For now, everything seemed to be going ok.

The Pre-Chemo Madness!

What followed on from those first few outings was a busy, but strangely, a fun 6 weeks. I wanted to see as many people as possible before the chemo started at the end of May. I wasn't allowed to drive for those 6 weeks because of the surgery, so instead, people called to the house, others acted as taxi for me, Fergus brought me places... I was spoilt! 

Fergus brought me to the Falls Hotel for a mini-break. The sun was shining and we spent 2 lovely days in the west of Clare walking along the beach and eating ice-cream. We even found a signpost for Australia and that was the day we made a pact - once we got through the next few months of the hell that lay ahead, we were going to go to Australia for a holiday!

We took this photo and sent it to Cathy and David with a promise to visit once we had gotten over this next hurdle!

In particular, the week before my chemo started was packed full of fun. It was my birthday on the 21st of May so Fergus got the time off work and we made the most of it. We went to Dublin to hear a talk given by Prof Brian Cox whom we are both fascinated with. He's an amazingly talented physicist and gave a great talk on black holes and the origin of the universe. 

WIth my Godmother

We stayed in a lovely hotel nearby and the next day, we met with my Godmother Brid and her husband Gerry for lunch. The sun was blazing and we sat outside the Tram Cafe in the beautiful heat. Of course sitting outside in the sun brings its own risks - sea gulls and pigeons. This photo was taken just seconds before, what must have been a massive bird, shat right across the two of us! Yes I know it's meant to be lucky - but we didn't win the lotto after!

For the birthday itself, we had a small gathering at home. I didn't feel like making a fuss or having a party but it was a lovely get-together.  Anyone that knows me well will know that  I LOVE Davy Fitzgerald! Ever since those epic summer days in the mid 1990's when Clare hurling took the country by storm, I developed a soft spot for Davy! In fact, he is often referred to as my "other man" in this house! Having the most epic sisters-in law, they gifted me with one of my all time favourite presents - a Davy Fitz T-shirt! I wore it with pride that night, and many more times since!

Family

MT and me

THE t-shirt!

Rory and Emma

Mum and Dad

a late celebration for Tony's birthday

Lisa and Caitriona

Jackie and Fallapart

Auntie Nan

Mary and Kevina

Mary D

Anna, John and Eabha visited from London

Shredded Money & Tears of Laughter!

A couple of years ago, Mum and Dad gave us a gift of an outside free-standing letter box to replace the traditional "in-door" letter box. This was as a result of multiple distressed phone calls to employers for copies of pay slips and re-issued cheques, shredded birthday cards and obliterated bills (which only became an issue when the "red-lined" envelope with "final notice" stamped across it started coming in the door)! Why was this happening to our post I hear you ask? One word - Betty!

Yes our adorable Jack Russell Terrier,
Betty, had taken an affiliation to shredding anything made of paper that came through that front door letter box!

However, occasionally, people still popped things through it as we didn't have it properly sealed.
But today, it included E100 cash!
A friend dropped the e100 donation towards our Cancer Care West headshave through it while I was out for a cuppa with another friend.

As soon as I got the text from her to say that she had dropped it in, I legged it straight home! I was relieved to open the front door and see nothing on the doormat. I figured she must have meant the other letter box...but that was empty! Betty greeted me with a somewhat subdued demeanour - very unusual for her! I went upstairs and found out why!

There, on the rug in our bedroom was the remnants of e100, and a very guilty looking Betty! When I saw her big brown eyes looking up at me, I couldn't be cross with her, and erupted into hysterics of laughter! Before cancer, I might have been a little cross for a minute or two... but today, I just laughed - and Betty loved this!

Thankfully, Yvonne was soon on hand to "repair" the cash. It took her nearly one hour, and a lot of sellotape, to put all the pieces of the two e50 notes together! But she did a mighty job!

Perhaps though, the funniest part of all this was when we brought the money to the bank a couple of days later to lodge it. The bank teller could barely speak through his bouts of laughter as he held up the money. There was so much sellotape on them, they looked like they had been laminated! He told us, "next time, just bring in the pieces with the serial number"! And he lodged the money. I swear, he was still laughing as a red faced Yvonne and I left the bank!


17th June 2017

The Sand Beneath my Feet

On the 2nd of May, the cabin fever was beginning to set in so Yvonne brought me down to the beach for a little picnic! The sun was shining and it really felt like Summer had finally arrived. We went to Silverstrand so we could park right next the beach and not have too walk far.

A special biker friend of mine, Eugene, who has been through the cancer journey himself, once said to me, "It's amazing the things you will become grateful for".
This is something I have come to understand more than you can imagine.

On this warm sunny day, sitting beside my wonderful sister having a lovely picnic, the sun and the fresh salty sea breeze on my face and the feel of the sand beneath my feet was absolutely incredible! 

Betty enjoyed the sunshine and sand too!