Is it possible to miss something that you've never had?
Is it possible to miss and grieve for someone you've never met?
Someone who never actually existed?
Well, I can tell you with absolute certainty that the answer is a resounding YES!
I consider myself absolutely blessed to have a niece and nephew, "adopted" nieces and nephews, and God-children. I love each and every one of them with all my heart. I would do anything for them! I don't get to see them as often as I would like, or be there for all their milestones, but my heart bursts with love when I do get to see them.
When an innocent child puts their arms around your neck and hugs you tightly, it is one of the most wonderful feelings in the world. Or to hold a little baby who depends solely on you and give them a cuddle... Words don't do justice to those amazing emotions!
I grew up with the belief that you should work hard and always try to follow your dreams. Since I was about 4 years old, I dreamt of becoming a doctor. Twenty years later, I was conferred with a degree in medicine. I had achieved my dream and would be able to spend the rest of my life in what I felt was my dream job.
When I got to this stage in my life, I dreamt of my future from there. What would I like to specialise in? Where could I see myself in 10 years? Could I travel the world, swim with dolphins and watch the sunrise over the Taj Mahal? Could I get a motorbike? Would I be able to find the perfect man? Would we be able to buy a house with a red front door and a view of the ocean? Would we be able to become parents and teach our children to grow up with faith, hope, dignity, kindness and love?
Well, there you have it - a succinct list of my dreams! And I am blessed to be able to say, I've managed to achieve so many of them, apart from two: we've put the red front door on hold for a while as we struggle to cope with the knowledge that we will not be able to bring children into this world.
From early in our relationship, Fergus and I always talked about having a family. We had "planned" to adopt and also to have our own "biological" children. We would joke wondering if our little ones would have Fergus's ears or my nose? Would they be tall or short? Would they be mischievous like their parents? We even had names chosen!
But one day, I went to hospital, and that was taken away. Not just the opportunity to get pregnant, but, given the advanced stage and aggressiveness of my cancer, would I be around long enough to adopt and become a parent?
If you look at the survival figures for patients of ovarian cancer, the average 5 year survival rate is 35%. Essentially - I have a 65% chance that this cancer will kill me by 2022! And given that my cancer was more advanced, the figures are probably worse for me. As for 10 year survival rates? Well.... I'm not going to go into them.
Am I being selfish by wanting to adopt a beautiful, vulnerable little child only to die and leave them again in a few years? Am I selfish knowing that there is a distinct possibility that Fergus would be left alone to raise a family? Or, am I being selfish if we don't adopt and thus leave Fergus alone? These thoughts run through my head multiple times a day, and sometimes, multiple times an hour.
Seeing an add on the TV for Pampers Baby Nappies can trigger them... Seeing a child playing on the beach or a mum pushing a buggy can often trigger them. Movies, soaps, books, shops, even when I see long scar that runs down my tummy... there are reminders everywhere! Reminders of broken hearts and shattered dreams.
So if you are reading this and are blessed enough to have children, or perhaps even grandchildren, then hug them a little closer today. Be thankful for such an amazing gift! I know it isn't always easy, but it is indeed a blessing and a privilege to become a parent.
