The Aftermath

Before you read this piece, you should know that it goes into detail about some of the negative side effects I experienced  on chemo and is a little upsetting. BUT the second half of this is about all the good things that happened during that time too, and believe me, there were good times!

People have often asked me what it's like being on chemotherapy. It's different for everyone. Some seem to sail through it relatively unscathed, others have an agonizing time through it all. Being honest, I would have to say for me, it was a bit of a mix of both.

It transpired that the aftermath of the first session was one of my harder times and this is often the case for most cancer patients. This is because, as everyone responds differently, it can take the team a little time to balance out the right amount of anti-sickness and pain meds.  I was scheduled to have chemo every 3 weeks, always on a Monday, two different drugs, generally over an 8 to 9 hour period. The first session itself went smoothly but I was nervous and wary each day after, waiting for side effects, waiting for the unknown in many ways.

Truth is, I was mostly ok for the first two or three days. But by the weekend, things were a bit rough.
As part of the chemo regime, they give you a whole heap of drugs to take for after you get home. They also give an another injection a few days after the initial infusions. This is to activate your bone marrow to produce more blood cells in order to replace the ones the chemo is killing off inside you. I used to know instantly when that process - known as haematopoesis -would begin. I would get pain in my bones, usually my shins, thighs and breast bone, which used to be excruciating at times. During these times, I would just curl up in the fetal position in bed, hold my legs into me and cry. I had good strong pain killers but they only added to the nausea so I couldn't take them.

The steroids I had to take, in massive doses, meant I couldn't sleep and I used to crave salty foods! I often sent poor Fergus out at midnight to get me Supermacs chips! The hospital had put so much emphasis on the importance of eating that he would have gone to the moon and back just to get me food! It's a false appetite though caused by the high dose of steroids, and once I'd eaten, I'd feel sick again. Then to add to it all, I had  been suddenly plunged into menopause so the hot flushes were happening with increasing frequency and severity, and adding to my insomnia. On the rare occasions I would sleep, my dreams were dreadful. Full of darkness, fear and the most irrational of scenarios!

The pain of being plunged into infertility, and in such a short space of time however, is one that I cannot find the words to describe. I felt, and now 3 years on still feel, that pain every waking moment. A Pampers add on tv... a mum pushing a buggy in the shops, a parent playing with their little one in the park or on the beach, that look you see in a mother's eye as she lovingly and carefully watches her child play... I look and wish I could be that mum. I won't call these things "reminders" though as that would imply I forget sometimes! I never forget! Even my sleep is often shattered with nightmares that I cannot bring myself to type. I did try typing them here, but I have to be honest, I deleted them. Dreaming about them is one thing, but seeing them in black and white...well I can't. Fergus often shares in this with  me. He is so quick to flick to another channel if there's a Pampers add on! And he often holds me at night when I wake myself up crying, shaking and sometimes screaming. Even the 2 furbabies get up on the bed when this happens and cuddle up with us!


One of the highlight of the bad days was sitting (yes sitting!) on a stool in a cool shower, then changing into fresh PJ's and fluffy clean sheets every day! It really is the simple pleasures that make the most difference.
I wasnt allowed to use any scented cosmetics for fear my skin would react as the chemo was to make it very fragile. I had to use childrens tooth paste and tooth brush otherwise my gums would tear and bleed. I couldn't wear my favourite perfumes.
But one thing I insisted on every day was to put in earrings! I rarely wore a watch then as time meant very little.

The other highlight - tea! Yes, I became hooked on tea! First thing in the morning, and last thing at night! I must have driven Yvonne and Fergus cracked the amount of mugs of tea they had to make for me!

The 'really bad days' lasted for about 5-7 days or so, and by 2 weeks after the chemo, I would start to feel better again. This was pretty much the cycle that followed for the entire 8 sessions. (I was initially just meant to have 6 sessions but that's a story for another chapter). Then, just by the time I would be starting to feel human again, it was time to go back in for another round...

But knowing that the 3rd week of each cycle was going to be my 'good week', I would plan to try do things that week and get out and about. And let me tell you, I have some interesting stories to tell you about some of those escapades!!!  But they're definitely for a later chapter!

We also experienced many blessings during the chemo journey. Yvonne was an absolute lifesaver and had practically moved in with us at this stage thankfully. Fergus still had to work and, as I didn't get paid from where I worked, we were reliant on his wages to get us through. I cant even begin to imagine how difficult it must have been for him to leave for work on the bad days... he has this unique quality about him of being one of the strongest yet kindest gentlest people I know. He was, and still is, my rock. He is my reason for fighting.

Fergus's sisters were also truly amazing and so were so many of our friends. We would regularly get dinners dropped off on our doorstep. Or books, fabulous flowers, filtered water, DVD box sets... even the local florist and I were on first name terms - with him often holding off on delivering me flowers for a week or two as I would have already gotten a few that week. He even brought me vases! Our house was full of beautiful blooms for months!

As for Betty, well she never left my side. She continuously lay beside me wherever I went. She usually loves her walks, but, she was even reluctant to leave me for them! Such unconditional love. In fact, when I was told I would be having chemo, the first question I asked the nurse was if I could still have the furbaby in the bed with us! She laughed and said, usually the first question people ask is, will they lose their hair! That was my second one! I'll tell you more about that further on. 

That outpouring of sheer goodness and kindness from everyone was what got me and Fergus through this. They say every cloud has a silver lining - I think ours was made of solid platinum!

Thankfully, the pains, the nausea, the abdominal cramps and the insomnia were pretty much at their worst after that first session. When I went in for round 2, I told the team, and they gave me a new concoction of meds that definitely helped to take the edge off a lot of those side effects. Gone are the olden days of hanging onto the toilet bowl heaving and retching thank God!

I do hope that I haven't over-shared in this entry. I don't want to lie and paint the picture that chemo is a walk in the park as that would be unfair on people heading into this journey. Equally, I don't want to be alarmist and scare people. The reason I told you all this is to reassure you that, even though there are bad days, there are people and medications there to help. It doesn't have to be all bad! And, as this blog fills out further, and I will regale stories of outdoor music concerts, front row orchestra seats, being ushered to the top of queues, shop discounts and ending up in the ED having fallen off my door step, you will realise that for every dark day there is, there's a better one waiting around the corner. Like John used to say,  chin up, fight to the bitter end.

With John for a cuppa 

John's messages, as he travelled his own cancer journey, used to get me through a lot of those bad days.  

Nothing is all bad...x