chemo 31 July 

Round 3, My New Perspective 10 July 17

10th July 2017

 

Well it had been a busy few days on my good week prior this cycle. Now it time for chemo session number 3! Fergus had wanted to be able to come to all the chemo sessions with me but I told him that wasn't necessary at all. This week, he ended up having to go into work. But rather than have me going through it alone, Yvonne came in with me instead. Between the two of them, they have me totally spoilt! I reckon if it was possible to wrap me up in cotton wool and bubble wrap, these two would have done it! 

It was Yvonne's first time in the oncology day ward and it must have been very overwhelming for her. But if it was, she didn't let on. She simply carried on as normal as if we were just walking to the local shop! She was "unshakable", just like Fergus. And believe me, that is the kind of person you want by your side when you find yourself in these situations. In fact, it was only months later, in subsequent conversations, she described the place as "clinical", "hard", "drab", "cold", "terrifying" and "emotional". But her steadiness and her encouraging smiles did well to conceal her frightened and breaking heart inside.

I remember my first impression of the place - it was a place of huge contrasts. Gently smiling, kind faced staff were in stark contrast to the signs on walls and drug trollies warning about highly toxic potentially lethal medical agents. These same medical agent that were about to be pumped into my veins however were supposed to save my life? The nursing staff wore so much PPE to administer the medications that they looked like they had walked off the set of some alien horror movie.

aprons and mounds of protective equipment they had to wear when handling the hightly toxic drugs. The gentle blue of their comfortable looking scrubs was overwhelmed by the bright yellow "sharps buckets" they carried around with the menacing skull and crossbone warning labels indicating 

At this stage, even though it was only my 3rd time here, I felt like a regular and I saw it very differently! To me, it is a special tertiary clinical setting where everyone in there was fighting to stay alive and well! There were no "heart-sink hypochondriac" patients here.  Everybody here had a diagnosis that nobody ever wants to have... "The big C"... We were all here to fight it, We were all here to fight to live. I saw it as more of a "positive" place rather than the stereotypical sad, worrying and depressing oncology ward. 

   It is astonishing how quickly you become familiar with the place... familiar smells, familiar sounds, especially the constant beeping of the i.v.infusion machines as various different kinds of chemotherapies are pumped through kilometers of veins throughout the ward. I'm greeted cheerily by the familiar faces of patients and staff, some of us are already on first name terms. I've already got my "favourite seat" - usually it's the corner one in the larger ward. I never liked the smaller quiet rooms as there were less people to talk with. Even on the days where I didn't want to talk, the silence of those smaller rooms was amplified in my head and all I could hear were my own worries and fears  swirling through my head. Somehow, there was a strange comfort being in the room with 6 other patients, each individually going through their own battle. We were all in our own individual ships - but we were essentially going through more or less the same storm.

 I would have been lost without Fergus and Yvonne. I often feel guilty (even to this day!) at all the pain I have put them through... of all the pain I have put ALL my loved ones through. I know it's not my fault that I got cancer... But I also know that watching those you love suffering and feeling powerless to ease their pain is one of the hardest agonies to bear. I don't know how they did it, and always with a smile on their faces. I will never forget the love, the support, the kindness and all the things they did for me - big and small! 

Before cancer, Fergus used to laugh that on our days off, I was always planning excursions or activities. Anything from camping, boat trips, mystery tours, family dinners, to just days walking around Galway. He used to joke and ask if a day off could actually mean a "day off" - just relaxing watching movies on the couch and chilling. I would laugh back and say "yes" - but only if a day came where one or both of us was unable to get up! Little did either of us know how soon that would ring through for us.

 

There were days I didn't have the energy to shower - but they were there to help me. Some laundry days, I barely had the energy to wash a dish towel, but they did it for me. Our hoover was cordless, but some days, even that was too heavy... so they did it. It's difficult to describe the type of fatigue you experience going through cancer treatment. It's the kind that a nap doesn't help. It's the kind where even the thoughts of taking 10 steps can feel like someone's asked you to do a marathon! They say this fatigue can last form 6 months to 20 years according to different studies. I'm now 3 years on and thankful to say, it's certainly not as bad as it was back then during treatment. But I am sad to say, it is still a huge part of my life and is there, in no insignificant way, every single day. 

More Chemo, Less Veins and a Bucket! 7th July 2017

My veins are getting weaker and weaker now and some of them have become sclerosed from the chemo. It was at this point, I regretted not getting the portacath put in! So, the new routine is: wear every layer of clothing I can find on my way to the hospital, put a hot water bottle on my arms, drink a big mug of hot tea and basically, arrive to the hospital well hydrated and sweating like a pig so my veins would be a little earier to find. This is them completed by bathing my arms - up to armpits nearly - in a bucket of the hottest water I can tolerate. Then Bingo! Chrissie comes along and boom! In with the cannula! Relief!

Round 2 6th Jul

Celebrating Friendship and Marriage! 4th July 2017

My next chemo was due on the following Monday, so this was one of my "good" weekends. So, as we usually try to, I wanted to do something special before that. And there was another very special occasion to celebrate - my parent's 50th wedding anniversary.
 

So for the first part of this long weekend
As I grew older, I gathered more family and friends who also showed me how to "keep on goin' on"! So this weekend, it started off with a trip to Creevy in the beautiful county of Donegal with Mary and Kevina. I was a lady of leisure as Kevina did all the driving and I slept in the passenger seat! Mary had a great welcome for us! I was still getting used of my bald head, but this was the first time I took my bandana off outside of the house! Normally, I have a somewhat sallow complexion and I would tan at just seeing sun in the forecast! But here I was, not even 5 mins with my big bald head out  and I could feel I was starting to burn! But it was beautiful to feel the sun on my skin! I lathered on the Factor 50 and settled myself down on the sun chair with my crosswords and a glass of white wine! Mary had planned a shopping trip but I simply couldn't leave my seat! For first time in a long time, I was happily relaxed and felt a million miles away from all the pain of the last few months. Even though I knew this was just a temporary reprieve, I was totally mindful and enjoying the moment that was.

My big bald shiny head gets its first outing!

With Mary, Donegal's finest hostess!

On Saturday, Kevina dropped me to Charlestown where Fergus drove up with mum and dad and collected me. See the next entry for part 2.

Take the Time to Waste a Moment... 2nd July 2017

Me and my Rock - still waiting for his hair to grow back!

The place was packed - Epic atmosphere!

Fergus's birthday was 26th June and, having previously "mixed up" his favourite bands (I got a tad confused between Kings of Leon and the Killers and bought us tickets to the "wrong" one a couple of years ago! But we still had a great night!) I had eagerly bought these tickets months ago the minute they came on sale! So I was excited to see that my chemo days lined up perfectly meaning this concert was going to be on my "good" weekend. 

Fergus drove up to Dublin while I slept for the entire journey only waking up as we arrived to the hotel. Newly refreshed, we ate dinner and headed to the O2.  To my dismay, I looked at the phone to see that I had booked standing tickets, not seated ones, This hadn't crossed my mind until we were in the queue to get in. For once, I was grateful to my pale face and obvious "cancer headscarf" as I pleaded with the bouncers to please find us a seat - anywhere! In fairness, they were so helpful and we managed to get into this little section that they keep for "emergencies" like this. The atmosphere was still epic though and we loved every minute of the concert.

They played their most recent hit last - and our favourite song; "Waste a Moment".

There are two lines in that song that resonate with me more than words can describe, now more than ever:

Oh, take the time to waste a moment

Oh, never ask to be forgiven

Before I got sick, I was guilty of rushing through life, never out without a watch to which I was almost slave to. Now? Well it's different. I made a promise to myself when I got sick first I would slow down, listen to the world around me, look at the world around me and to actually take-in what was happening all around me... to make more time for those I love... to make more time for the things I love...  

I am thankful to say that as I publish this 3 years on, I've kept that promise as best I can.

..

 Every moment in life can be special but too often, we get caught up in the rat race and miss the simplest of moments that are often the most beautiful. So take those extra moments in the morning to kiss and hug the ones you love before you head out into the morning traffic. When you see a friend, take a moment to say hi and ask how they are. When you see the sun begin to set and the sky is fire red, take a moment to watch it. Sit a moment longer with your coffee and really taste it right to the last drop. Life is incredibly fragile and short. We never know when our worlds will come crumbling down around us. So while we are able - take the time! We're not here forever!

With dear friends Gerry and Ciara.xx

The next day, before we went home, we were delighted to be able to meet up with Gerry and Ciara at the Tram Cafe for a cuppa. It was so lovely to sit out in the sun, catch up, have a laugh, feel "normal" and above all, to take a moment with loved ones! xxx